My former foster care status is not a deep dark secret of mine, nor is it a way I define myself. My foster care status refers to a time in my life. It was an experience I lived, an experience just as real as having a birthday or starting college. For me, being in foster care was being 15 years old. It's something I had no control over, nor something I could have changed. I've come to the conclusion after many years of balancing different emotions about being in care that my former foster care status is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an experience I lived through, but does not describe or dictate who I am as a person.

That being said, not everyone reacts properly or positively when hearing the news that I am a "former foster kid." After learning about that time in my life, I feel like some people appear to be hesitant around me. Others instantly respect me more, or tell me how strong I am after realizing I have overcome some difficult experiences. A few individuals have pitied me, which is perhaps the reaction I hate the most.

After these varying reactions I've encountered, one might wonder why I would risk telling anyone about my foster care history at all. Well, think about different questions that commonly come up in conversation, especially for college students:  “Where are you from? What do your parents do? Where do your parents live? Did you go home over the holiday break? What do your parents think about your career choice?” My usual response to questions like these is: “oh, I moved around a lot” and “I’m not very close to my parents.” An affiliate from work recently heard me say that I spent Christmas day with my boyfriend and his family, and reacted by saying “oh, I bet your parents missed you! And you’re an only child?! Why didn’t you spend it with them?!” I used one of my usual lines – that I wasn’t very close to my parents. This sparked a long conversation that actually resembled more of a lecture from this co-worker on why I should make more of an effort to reconcile my relationship with my parents. Though I usually keep my former foster care status more private at my job, I decided to tell this co-worker that I was in foster care, which is why I don’t have a close relationship with my parents. She instantly apologized for what she had said and appeared to have a better understanding of my situation.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong time to talk about being in the foster care system, and it’s certainly not something you need to talk about at all. For me, it was a decision I’ve struggled with throughout my life. Truthfully, I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing my foster care status until I became comfortable defending it.

If you are a student that is or was in foster care and you decide you’d like to share your experiences with a friend or important person in your life, here are some things to remember:

• Practice! It might seem silly, but sometimes you don’t know how things will affect you until you say them out loud. If something feels difficult and verbalizing it causes you to become emotional, try re-phrasing it or leaving that portion out entirely.
• Choose a place to talk where you feel safe, comfortable, and can have privacy if needed. Think about your surroundings. If you don’t want others to hear, the student center cafeteria might not be the best place.
• You are in control of how much or how little you share. This is your experience and your story to tell; you can include details or provide a shortened, abridged version. You are allowed to leave out or include whatever feels comfortable to you.
• Have a goal in mind for the interaction. For example, if you wish to tell a friend about being in foster care because he or she repeatedly asks questions about your family, maybe say at the end: “I wanted to share this with you because sometimes I don’t know how to respond to questions about my family.” This can help you feel like you are in control of the conversation, and can help redirect it if needed.
• Tell others how you’d like to be treated. If you don’t want to be treated any differently, say that!
• My parents still play a role in my life. It’s always a concern of mine that if I share my experiences in foster care with friends or other important people in my life, they may not want to meet my parents or may treat them differently if they ever come in contact with them. I always tell people when I’m sharing my story that my parents are good people, and that they have a multitude of good qualities. There are so many different characteristics that come into play when a child is placed in the foster care system, and many of those are at times out of a parent’s or child’s control.
• How someone responds says more about them than it does about you or your experience.
• When I tell my story (whichever version I decide is appropriate given the context), I smile. I point out the positive aspects, like how much stronger of a person I am because of my past. When people say “oh, I’m so sorry that happened to you”, I say – “don’t be. This is my life, and it’s all I’ve ever known. I love where I’m at now, and if this is how it had to happen to bring me here, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” And I mean that, 110%.

If you are a professional or community member who would like to respond to a youth disclosing their former/current foster care status, here are some ideas for things that either have helped or would have helped me:

• First of all, feel good about the fact that this young person feels close enough to you to share this part of their life! (Also, assume the interaction is confidential unless the youth asks you to share it with someone else.
• Try not to make it about you. If you have an emotional response to the content being shared, try to process it with someone other than the youth. The absolute worst experiences I’ve had are when I’ve had to provide support to others after looking for support from them.
• Foster care experiences can be traumatic, whether that be the experiences leading up to placement in care or the actual placements themselves. I think its important to tell youth sharing these experiences with you that whatever happened to them wasn’t their fault, and that they didn’t deserve it. Many youth from foster care have never heard those words, and they can be life-changing.
• If you feel the need to recognize a youth’s positive attributes, point out that they existed prior to learning the youth was in care. Try, “I always thought you were strong/resilient/brave/capable/admirable/smart/etc., and learning about this part of your past just reaffirms those thoughts.”
• I personally prefer if others ask me questions about my experience, not only because I like to educate others about the foster care system as often as I can but also because I don’t want others to make incorrect assumptions about my experiences. However, I recognize that not all youth feel the way I do. If you have a question, give the youth the option not to answer it.
• The most important advice I can give is to meet the youth wherever they’re at. For example: they may choose to have a relationship with their parents that you might not think is ideal, but try not to question it. The youth is the expert of their situation and the protagonist of their story. And for many youth, their foster care status is just the prologue.