“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” … or is it? 

For students from foster care, the holiday season can be exceptionally difficult. For scholars residing in campus dorms that close over educational breaks, they may not know where to spend their few weeks off from school, or may end up doing so in a less than comfortable space. Some universities have accommodated students who don’t have a place to go, but who wants to spend a day like Christmas in a dorm? 

The holiday season seems to emphasize family, connectedness, love, and tradition. For foster care alumni, traditions are often difficult to establish and maintain. Since entering the system, I have spent every single holiday in a different place with different people. Holidays don’t contain specific activities I look forward to, but rather questions and instability. Where will I be this year? Should I trade shifts with someone so that I can work, just so I have somewhere to go? Do I ask friends if I can join them, or plan to spend the day alone?



This year, I had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with my love and his family. I had the absolute best time; we played Euchre until the early morning hours and ate an abundance of terrific, delicious food. Several friends of the family celebrated with us, which made it easier to think I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t a biological family member. Throughout the weekend, I repeatedly said to myself - especially in the times I was experiencing the most enjoyment - “wait, this is what I could have had? This is what family looks and feels like?” Coupled with these thoughts is often the question of, “why don’t I have this?”

Around the holidays, it's very easy for foster care youth to feel unloved or uncared for by their biological family in the way they did and do deserve. This feeling isn't unique to individuals in or from the system; many have experienced tension within their families and feel emotionally disconnected. I recently had an extremely liberating revelation regarding these emotions: though my relationship with my family isn’t ideal or what I wish I had, I have a family of friends who love me just as much (if not more) than a traditional family would. They love me not because they “have to”, not because I’m tied to them biologically, but because they choose to. And that’s such a great feeling. 



After years of feeling lost around the holidays and wishing I had a sense of annual structure and routine, I’ve finally realized that I do have my own holiday tradition: each and every year, I spend the holidays with people who love and support me. They may not be the same people every year, but I have the tradition of trying new things, experiencing new environments, eating new foods, and making new memories. Who knows, maybe some students are sick and tired of going home to watch the exact same Charlie Brown Christmas Special with their parents each and every year. I am privileged to have options and choices around the holidays. 


For those wanting to support students from foster care during the holidays...

• Check in. Ask students how they’re planning to spend the holidays, and how they’re feeling about this time of year. 
- Remind them that no family is perfect, and that many families experience stress or conflicting emotions during holiday time.
• Give them some love! Send a card to let them know you're thinking of them,  or gift them some baked goods. I have yet to meet a college student who doesn’t appreciate home-cooked food. 
If you are able to include students in your holiday celebrations...
• Give them the option to come late or leave early if they're not comfortable, and understand that they may not feel comfortable the entire time.
• Share holiday traditions ahead of time. If you do something special with your loved ones every year, give guests joining you a heads up so they know what to expect. One year, when I spent Christmas with a family I lived with, I was greeted with a video camera following me down the stairs first thing Christmas morning. In my half-awake, pre-caffeinated state, I was shocked and a little confused.
• Be specific with holiday photos. It is such an awful feeling to think, "I'm not sure if I'm wanted or if I belong right now" each time the camera is whipped out. If you'd like a photo with just the grandkids or with the two biological siblings present, use their names; say, "Okay Bobby and Sally, stand with Grandma". This leaves no room for students to question if they are “family enough” for the “family photos.”
• Let students take the lead with what they’d like to share. One of my most favorite Thanksgivings was when no one else knew I was in foster care, or that holidays were difficult for me.

       
For students…..

• Remember, the holidays are days just like any other. They're still 24 hours long, the sun will still rise and set, and they will be over tomorrow.
• Do what feels right. Some of my worst holidays were years when I tried to assimilate into groups or families that I just didn't feel like I fit into.
• A lot of former foster youth feel pressured by members of their biological family to attend holiday events. If you feel comfortable, great. If not, don't go. Do what's best for you. Feel free to say you'd like to spend the holiday another way, or even use an excuse if you need to.
• Don't be afraid to say no or set limits. If you don't feel comfortable, say so, and don't be afraid to acknowledge that the days are hard.
• If you find yourself missing your biological family.... allow yourself to miss them. Allow yourself to recognize the positive memories you have of them, and the positive qualities and characteristics they possess. Know you aren’t alone in these feelings, and let yourself feel them. They will pass.

In my next blog entry, I’ll discuss my experience applying to grad school in addition to  thoughts about foster youth pursuing higher education and achieving personal success.